The Hidden Diaries II: Angel Goes Retro
by oceana
Summary: Like The Hidden Diaries, only different. Chapter Three: Drusilla
1. Spike

**Disclaimer:** I don't own any rights to "Buffy: The Vampire Slayer". And, based on my use of the characters here, that's probably for the best.

**A/N:** You've been warned.

**The Hidden Diary of William "The Bloody"/Spike**

**Day One**

Was intelligent and sensitive today. Also most impressively British. Wrote poem about it. Mother says I'm the next Christopher Marlowe, only gayer. Makes sense. I am excessively happy.

**Day Two **

Shared poetry at party. Called next Walt Whitman, only gayer. Who knew my good spirits were so obvious?

Later

Left party in fit of sensitivity. Met insightful woman who cornered me in alley and killed me with her teeth. Otherwise good day.

**Day Three**

Hark/What lark/Sing-eth at this moon/Tis my mother/Trying to get in/To my pantaloons

**Day Four**

Death has obviously made me a better writer. Also a serial killer, which is really just a bonus.

**Day Five**

Killed, like, everyone I know.

**Day Six**

Drusilla introduced me to tall dark handsome man with tassel fetish. Had trouble on first date. Kept trying to give me makeover. Finally consented to haircut and name change. Still think "Spike" sounds more like a dog's name, but Angelus said it was his "pet name" for me, so I guess makes sense.

**Day Twenty-Six**

Killed a Slayer! All that practice attacking teen-age girls has finally paid off!

**Day Thirty **

Angelus left to seek his fortune with gypsies. Darla left to pout about it. Drusilla here but beginning to suspect is not really _here_ here.

**Day 1,000**

Mob did something vague to Dru that made her physically weak but still creepy as all get out. I wisely practiced "the art of not being there".

**Day 1,080**

Seventies came, made my nickname cool. I bleached hair and started wearing tight black clothes to go with it. Am now sexier than Angelus on his best days. Ha!

**Day 1,085**

Killed another Slayer! I must be like a super-duper vampire now! Though, my art is suffering. Haven't written a poem in years.

**Day 1,100**

Came to a new location/Via modern transportation/Knocked down a sign/Hope it wasn't mine

…Oh yeah, I still got it.

**Day 1,101**

Reunited with Angelus, is now going for sensitive artist look a century after I abandoned it. So annoying when people copy me.

Later

Decided to kill another Slayer. This shouldn't take long.

**Day 1,102**

Still gonna kill Slayer. Yep. She is going down.

**Day 1,103 **

Slayer wore dress, lost fighting ability. Will be easy to kill now. Gonna go kill her soon as I finish writing this journal entry. Yep. Gonna kill. Kill the Slayer. Here I go.

Later

Will definitely kill her tomorrow.

**Day 1,104**

Boy trapped Slayer in crypt for me and friends to kill. Decided was too easy. Will wait until is more of a challenge.

**Day 1,106**

Hired mercenaries to kill Slayer so I can focus on more important things, like tying Angel topless to post.

**Day 1,107**

Buffy interrupted my time with Angel to show off with extra-Slayer Kendra. Pretty impressive, but finale caused church to fall on top of me. Sigh.

**Day 1,110**

Traded walking ability for wheelchair. Beginning to suspect is not as good deal as salesman made sound, but still got to spend day playing wheelchair tag. Quite fun. And Drusilla strong again. Is less float-y, still creepy. Wants to destroy world with giant smurf. Sometimes you just have to humor her.

**Day 1,111**

Angel came back. Lots of promises about how he'll make it up to me and never leave again. Was gonna turn away, but then saw him in leather pants and knew he meant it. Oh, and Buffy stopped smurf with rocket launcher. Drusilla sad, but still creepy.

**Day 1,112**

Oz turned out to be werewolf. Don't know why this is surprise. Boy always running around naked in woods biting people.

**Day 1,113**

Xander quite smoking. Don't know why I didn't notice before. I mean, how many people can look hot in Hawaiian shirts?

Later

Xander not so smoking as previously thought. Now regret investing in "How to Attract Boys" manual. Did get valuable tips though. Always make eye contact and be yourself.

**Day 1,114**

Angel drew portraits of Buffy and her friends as surprise gifts for them. You'd think they'd be a little more grateful. The man can draw.

**Day 1,115**

Spent day playing wheelchair tag with Dru. How I value these carefree moments, though wish Angel would play. Instead was visiting sick slayer in hospital. Having same trouble killing her I did. If she just wouldn't make it so darn easy all the time we would do it.

**Day 1,116**

Hey, I can walk again! Not saying anything yet, as don't want to disappoint Dru. She so loves our wheelchair games.

**Day 1,117**

Xander turned into fish. Some people just cry for attention.

**Day 1,118**

Angel excited about giant rock. Sometimes I don't get art.

Later

Angel completely ignoring me now that he has big rock to play with. And no I did not mean it like that, get your mind out of the gutter. Feel strangely jealous, all the same. Off to wander streets in poetic display of neglect and angst.

**Day 1,119**

Ran into Buffy. Turns out she not so bad. Apologized for trying to kill her so often. She pretended not to know what I was talking about, funny girl. Made deal with her to get Angel away from rock so he'll pay more attention to me.

Later

Deal did not go as planned. Buffy killed Angel. Had to leave town with Dru. Brought wheelchair. At least we can still have fun.


	2. Buffy

**Disclaimer:** Joss Whedon's path in life has led him to be the creator and owner of all things "Buffy". My own has led me to shamelessly rip off from him.

**The Hidden Diary of Buffy Summers**

**Day One**

Vampires in town so boring. Miss Master. Smashed up his bones for old times sake.

**Day Two **

Boys built girlfriend out of dead body parts. Maybe town vampires not so bad.

**Day Three **

Mom totally embarrassed me at school today. How many times have I told her to leave the axe at home?

**Day Four**

Xander got it on with 500-year-old mummy, yet judges me for vampire fetish.

**Day Six**

Cordy and I walked in on frat boys worshipping giant phallus in basement. Explains so much.

**Day Seven **

Seem stuck with Angel as he is only attractive vampire in town. Tried playing game with him, but all he wanted was to dress me up in 18th century drab. Annoying, but then forgot superpower abilities and almost died, so not all bad.

**Day Eight**

Loser boy who had major crush on me in LA followed me here. Told him I only went for vampires, so he turned himself into one. I mean, how desperate can you get?

**Day Nine **

Turns out Giles killed one of his friends once. Who knew he was ever cool?

**Day Ten**

Have new secret admirer. Vampire in town keeps sending me paid assassins. Kind of adventurous.

**Day Eleven **

Turns out am not only hot chick with superpowers in town. Wouldn't mind except she's killed like five of my boyfriends so far. Tried luring her away with Angel, but then he got kidnapped. Had to burn down church. Suppose am not going to heaven now. Sigh. At least girl left town.

**Day Twelve**

Mom dated psycho wife-killing robot. Guess I know where I get it from.

**Day Thirteen**

Health teacher gave us monster eggs to adopt. Everyone turned into murderous drones in service of giant squid. Sometimes I think science teachers just get bored.

**Day Fourteen**

Angel gave me demon's arm for birthday. At least he's trying.

Later

Took Angel on major shopping spree. Have never seen him so happy.

**Day Fifteen**

Angel bought new outfit and is like whole different person. Much more peppy, though did try to kill everyone in mall. Can't say I blame him. Mall people so annoying.

Other news: Got rocket launcher for birthday. Best gift ever! Used at mall per Angel's suggestion.

**Day Sixteen**

Oz turned out to be werewolf. So exciting. Just have to get him away from Willow next full moon…

**Day Seventeen**

Xander extremely attractive all of a sudden. Went to pursue him but then I spontaneously turned into rat. Weird.

PS. Am no longer rat.

**Day Eighteen**

Angel pursuing Giles now. Left rose petals and body of his dead girlfriend in his bed. Tried to explain that's just how vampires woo. Giles still upset. Me too. I thought Angel was _my_ boyfriend.

**Day Nineteen**

Killed childhood bogeyman while I was delirious with flu. Beat _that_ Xena!

**Day Twenty**

Angel tried to romance me by having us relive moment boy killed his girlfriend and then self. So good to finally get some real attention from him. Wasps a nice touch too.

**Day Twenty-One**

Xander turned into fish. Suspect is trying to re-capture last year's hyena glory, but the spark just isn't there.

**Day Twenty-Two**

Angel totally obsessing about giant rock. So annoying. Kendra back in town. Told her she could kill Angel this time if she wanted to.

Later

Dude, totally freaky chick killed Kendra and stole Giles! WTF! Got blamed for it. So not fair.

**Day Twenty-Three**

Ran into total vampire hottie in street! I was like, "Where have you been all year?" And he said, "Trying to kill you", which you know is just shameless flirting.

Oh, and turns out freaky chick took Giles to Angel. So much for monogamy. Well, I found a really impressive sword and have Spike now, so what do I care?

Later

Decided to show Angel sword. Rammed it through him just for fun. Turns out, if you ram a specific sword through a specific vampire while he is standing in front of a specific rock at a specific moment in time it will actually kill him. Oooops. Decided to leave town til it all blows over.


	3. Drusilla

**Disclaimer:** See previous chapters.

**A/N:** I want my cyber cookies (i.e. proof that I am easily influenced by reviews, if not timely in my response).

**The Hidden Diary of Drusilla**

**Day One**

Out for a jaunty walk with all the many members of my family tonight. So lucky to have so many living relatives. Too bad I sense their imminent doom. Psychic powers so tedious.

**Day Five**

Met attractive Irish fellow. Seems to like me. Slowly tortured all my sisters to death but left me alive. Decided am not interested.

**Day Ten**

Irishman killed my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, 3rd-cousins-twice-removed, and all other people I ever happened to meet in my entire life. Beginning to feel targeted. Probably just being paranoid.

**Day Twelve**

Joined convent, succumbed to insanity and got murdered. All in all a busy day.

**Day Thirteen **

Would've killed loved ones today but no one left to kill. Sad. Then saw pretty fish in sky. Made me happy. So happy.

**Day Fourteen **

Now see lots of things I didn't before, like dancing hippos on fire and purple baby dragons. Suspect is because am much more observant now.

**Day Fifteen **

So happy my family was brutally murdered. Wasn't before. Turning into psycho vampire has improved my perspective on life. Decided to become motivational speaker.

**Day Sixteen**

Gave seminar on the upsides of massacre. Very successful. Survivors agreed.

**Day Twenty**

Gave Angelus poet I found in alley as thanks for all he's done for me. Angie immediately set to giving him makeover. Are now competing to see who can kill more of poet's friends. Boys.

**Day Twenty-Six**

Published self-help book, "How to Enjoy the Sudden Deaths of Everyone You Love". Has 100 tips for killing them yourself.

**Day Thirty**

Angie got soul and left to join blues band. Darla not supportive. Spike and I struck out on our own singing karaoke. Fun, especially with back-up dancers.

**Day 1,019**

Mob in Prague did not like singing. Turned angry. I lost fighting ability, have had to adapt by becoming extra creepy. Like an old doll grandmother left you tied up in the attic.

**Day 1,200 **

Went to Sunnydale with Spike. He wants to kill slayer and live on Hellmouth. I want to discover why baby dinosaurs in sky sometimes explode. Maybe we'll both be happy.

**Day 1,204 **

Ran into Angie today. He's so glum now, clearly has forgotten Tip 85: If you run out of friends, likable strangers will do.

**Day 1,206**

Spike sent assassin-o-grams to slayer, kidnapped Angie. Says has big plans to tie him to post. Guess you never get over first love.

**Day 1,207 **

Building fell down on me and I regained all strength. Spike ended up in wheelchair, Angie ditched. Jerk.

**Day 1,210 **

For birthday got great build-your-own-monster kit! When finished plan to destroy Earth.

**Day 1,211 **

Angie came back for Spike after all. Helped me finish monster and wipe out people in mall. Then slayer showed up with rocket launcher. All in all fun day.

**Day 1,213**

Fell in love with Xander today. Do not know who he is, but love is strong. Will sustain until…never mind.

**Day 1,214**

Angel drew pictures for slayer and all her friends. Then started killing them. So good to see him get back to old hobbies.

**Day 1,218**

Angel brought home giant rock. Says will destroy world with it. Decided to humor him as rock very big. Could work.

**Day 1,219**

Spike kidnapped me before I got to see apocalypse. Annoying. Made me pass out by choking me. Still trying to figure out why that worked.


End file.
